We try to control the uncontrollable looking for security and comfort and safety. The truth is that we can never escape or avoid uncertainty. It is part of the adventure, and it is part of the fear.

We tend to spend a lot of time trying to control things and people around us. We are taught to set goals, go for it, just do it!  That’s the adventure part: seek, create, explore. The fear comes when our plans do not turn out the way we had imagined. The desire for security is really about avoiding the pain of not knowing.

The real question is: What do we do with the uncertainty? How do we manage the discomfort that comes from not knowing? Do we run, hide, fight or retaliate?

In romantic relationships, the need for security and safety is strong. In western society, the idea of One Love, monogamous and exclusive, tends to be the rule. We are often taught that immersing our Self in and with another is “the right way.” So when that “rule” is broken, we feel betrayed. And betrayal is felt at the deepest of levels emotionally.

Yet, the reality is that we cannot control another. We may learn to influence them or lead them in ways that they may want to go, but we cannot control them. It is a striking reality for many of us. One that is grounded in anger and resentment and misunderstanding, ”If you love me you will…”

When we come to the realization that all we can truly control is our Self, we have begun the pivot towards liking, and then loving, and trusting our Self. This can be a very liberating realization, yet a very scary one as well.