Life transitions are like tides that can overwhelm even the strongest relationships. The death of a loved one, the birth of a child, a change in job or financial situation, a move, an injury or illness – these are all situations that test a relationship.

We have all had to navigate our own sea of changes especially in the last 6 months! This sudden shift has left our relationships feeling unmoored and it has taken effort and intentionality to stay afloat. We are juggling many different roles daily: worker, co-worker, husband, wife, daughter, son, parents...and now we have had co-teacher added to the mix!

So how do we stay connected when our minds are preoccupied by our own stresses?

Start with the acknowledgement that you might be drifting, treading water, or just trying to stay afloat. From that awareness can come the motivation and energy to strategize how to “swim” -- together.

In being intentional about creating space and time for affection and intimacy, here are a few best practices:

Schedule couple time.

When transitions disrupt our schedules and routines, the first thing that tends to go is usually couple time. It seems more expendable than letting work or errands or household chores go. Counteracting this can include a weekly date night. It may feel “impossible” to do, especially if you are parents, however it is crucial to surviving! It can be simple acts and it’s always quality vs. quantity of time. Use that time for things that creates connection: dinner or coffee out, an activity you both enjoy, sex or something that helps both of you relax and come together. Even mundane activities done together such as errands can be opportunities to connect when time is tight.  

For parents, if you have a support system, use it! Once a week is not an imposition or burden. If you do not have a stable support system, use friends or neighbors. Bartering for services may be helpful: “I’ll watch your kids today and you can for me tomorrow!”  Scheduling couple time outside of your normal routine is an opportunity to connect with each other. If you are not used to this, consider trying it at least during the season of your transitions.

Laugh together.

Laughter is the best medicine is an old saying that holds true today. Looking for the absurdity in life, sharing jokes, podcasts, comedy shows. All are ways to hold on to the joyful parts of life even during the storms.

Take turns giving & receiving love.

It has been difficult for many of us to remain present for the other person because we are all going through stressful changes at the same time. Balancing life has left us without much energy to spare. And partners react to the stress of transition in different ways. Yet it is important to take turns tending to each other’s needs. They do not need to be huge gestures. Simple acknowledgements of love and concern can go a long way. Consider taking turns with the morning or evening routines with the kids or leave each other notes of encouragement. Loving actions that can become deposits in our “emotional bank accounts.”

Create rituals.

Simple habits can have the most impact, i.e. a kiss in the morning and evening, that can start and end your day. Leaving messages on mirrors. Being playful and silly. Small doses of intimacy can keep us flowing in the same direction.

Forgive quickly.

During stressful times, we  tend to be more irritable. We snap at each other, say things that we do not mean and generally can be unpleasant. Acknowledging that we are “off center”, edgy, angry or frustrated, can start the process of reset. Naming it can help with forgiving, both of yourself and your partner. Forgiveness done with grace can stem conflict before it begins. Use the “rewind rule” where we can apologize and take back the unkindness and open space for further talking. A willingness to forgive quickly helps to avoid the petty conflicts that might further distance you from each other.

Being intentional about caring for each other during periods of stress will help you feel lifted despite the tides of transition.