My divorce was painful. There was infidelity. There was anger. There was sadness. There was disappointment. There was hurt.
My divorce was painful. There was infidelity. There was anger. There was sadness. There was disappointment. There was hurt. I was full of fear and to be honest, one of my biggest fears was actually facing my family - facing my father, someone who hadn’t approved of my choice in husband in the first place. I felt defeated and it felt like I was admitting to this defeat. I dreaded the possibility of him saying or simply thinking “I told you so.”
But to my surprise, my charismatic but rageful father was sympathetic. He was understanding. In his own way, he was actually supportive. I quickly regained my freedom and clarity towards my future.
I began to enjoy being single because for the first time I truly felt free. Having been raised very traditionally, I had not been as independent. I had never lived on my own. I had skipped many of the usual teenage activities, so this new freedom was truly wonderful. I realized that I had to create my own life now, with new friends and activities. I spent the first 8-10 months post-divorce enjoying myself. I relied on my old and new support system of friends, coworkers and family. I threw myself into fun! I had completed my Master’s work and had started a job that became both professional and social, and I made many friends which I maintain to this day!
Even though I was having the time of my life, I had doubts and fears: Would I find someone else? Was there happiness out there for me? Could I trust someone again? Trust in particular was a big one for me. Infidelity had been a part of my previous relationships and my marriage. How would I “know”, i.e. guarantee that someone was trustworthy? What were the qualities that comprised trust? What did I do or not do to deserve trust?
I believe in marriage, and the public statement that can solidify the commitment to each other. I was sure I wanted to have children and even though I was raised traditionally, I would have been okay with living together before marriage, however, I wanted to be married before having kids. For me, children came with the public commitment of love through marriage. I also felt that my biological clock was ticking. That was my main motivator as I began dating. Did these new “someones” want children and a family? That was one of my new questions. There were other questions, some old and many new.
I dated. I had fun. I made no commitments at first, on purpose. I worked on myself. Through counseling and through friendships. Women friendships mostly. Friendships that were empowering, supportive, loving and restorative. My soul was healing, and I knew that I had to believe in order to “find that someone” to go on to the next stage of my life. I had learned lessons from my marriage, about myself and about what I truly wanted and valued in a partner. Mainly trust and fidelity in its many forms... romantically, financially, emotionally and spiritually. My values had changed. At 22, I wanted freedom, socializing, dancing, physical attraction and romance. At 28, I wanted financial stability, kindness, fidelity and a family! Fun and dancing would be a plus, but not the priority!
By the time I met my current husband, I had a life. I was personally and professionally happy. And so the meeting and connecting with him was different this time. It was less needy, and more intentional. As we got to know each other and recognized our differences (He was not a dancer or a socializer), I struggled with accepting my new values and giving them prominence.Our dating became a loving negotiation, an honest, sometimes brutally honest review of where we had failed in the past and what we wanted different for our future. We talked long and hard about these differences and negotiated solutions to them. We negotiated them more than once!
