Cinderella rides off with her Prince on a white horse and lives happily ever after … Many of us are taught that fairy tale and encouraged to believe it as truth. So when our Prince is human and has flaws, and he rides in on a tainted horse, we are surprised, devastated, and disappointed. Yet, the reality of relationships lies in the richness of our differences combined with the embracing of those differences. Therein lies the problem for many of us … how do we embrace the differences and work with them instead of against them?

When I was ready to return to the single world, I began as a “searcher.” A searcher is one who is on the hunt or lookout for the Prince (or Princess). I soon realized that was not the path for me. A searcher tends to focus on the “square peg in the round hole” idea, trying to fit someone, anyone, into themselves. The searcher tends to attract the “square peg” more often in their externally focused hunt. I realized that I needed to create my life … find what made my heart sing… what motivated me to grow? It was that path that led me to my current marriage, now going on 30 years together. It was a negotiated relationship, one with effort as well as love and physical attraction. One that has lasted through the tests of time and life’s curveballs.

So I offer you some insights on my journey to remarriage:

1. Start with You
   Who am I now? What do I want different now? What role did I play in the end of my relationship? Self-awareness is an important key to the starting over process. Understand that you are the common denominator in all of your successes and failures. Only when you have asked and answered these, and any other self-questions, are you truly available to connect with someone new. You have created the space for someone new to enter your life. To meet the person that has survived a breakup and is genuinely ready to step into the future.
2. Work Through Anger & Bitterness
   No one should have to pay for your previous decisions. Part of the self-awareness effort must be about anger. We were surprised, disappointed, and let down by what we thought would be the “happily ever after.” That disappointment may manifest in irritability and mistrust.
3. Solitude is a Joy When You Like Yourself
   Cultivate and enjoy alone time. There is a significant difference between being alone and being lonely. Alone time is rejuvenating and allows for recharging. You may not always like it, but the sense of accomplishment from standing on your own will be worth the initial discomfort.
4. Remember That Love is Different from Lust
   What we may think is great chemistry may be short-lived. It takes at least a good handful of months to get to know someone, so getting involved sexually too soon may not allow you to make genuine connections. Being open to others who may not be “your type” may pleasantly surprise you. Enduring love tends to grow slowly and steadily through conversations, differences of opinion, and shared experiences.

Taking the chance to love and trust again is risky. Believing that you will find love again after heartache is risky, but the reward is well worth it!

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