Infidelity is the breaking of a promise to remain faithful to a romantic partner. How that promise is broken can manifest in a variety of ways. Usually we first think of the sexual or physical type of infidelity. The promise to remain monogamous and exclusive. As unthinkable as it may sound to break a promise, it happens more often than we would like to think, despite almost universal disapproval.

There are varying reasons that people break this promise, or cheat. These include falling out of love, feeling neglected, seeking variety and the adrenaline rush that comes from secrecy.

However, there are also various types of “breaking of the promise” depending on how each individual and couple define it. Some of these include:

Physical/Sexual

There is physical contact from hand holding, kissing to intercourse

Secrets

Omitting of information is still a lie. This erodes trust and creates suspicion and separation

Loyalty

You chose your partner, so having each other’s back is crucial. You may not always agree, but talking negatively or belittling them is destructive

Financial

Spending money, having secret credit cards or accounts and incurring debt without your partner’s knowledge or consent

Emotional

Seeking and receiving attention and affection from someone other than your partner

Absence

Not being present for your partner’s important events whether physically or emotionally. This can include technology overuse!

Threatening to Divorce

All couples have disagreements and topics that are non negotiable. Using Exit language can belittle and push your partner away

Although often devastating, the disclosure of infidelity does not necessarily mean the end of the relationship. The re-creation of trust is possible, and the relationship can improve. It can actually be an opportunity for growth and enhancement.

First thing in the process of recovery from infidelity is to stop the affair. There needs to be transparency in the ending of the outside relationship.

Then an open discussion of the details of the affair with the hurt partner, having the opportunity to ask all the questions they want and need, to begin the healing process. The partner who had the affair needs to be willing to discuss the details. 

The partner that was unfaithful or disloyal needs to be willing to be accountable for their actions and now for their whereabouts.

The partner who had the affair needs to make a personal inventory of reasons why they strayed to avoid temptations in the future. Then both partners need to do a couple inventory.

What role did each partner play in the derailment of their relationship?

There needs to be a willingness to make new agreements about fidelity, the relationship in general and, most importantly, about the future.

There is no absolute rule for relationships and how to manage them. Each couple will need to take inventory of themselves and how much hurt and anger there is in order to determine the ability for forgiveness and moving forward.

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Getting outside support will be very beneficial in this healing process.