Everyone’s divorce story is different. Maybe you were married for many years or only a few. Maybe you have kids, maybe you don’t. Maybe you are devastated or maybe you are relieved. Maybe you chose this or maybe it was chosen for you. Whatever your beginnings, you are here now - the end of this chapter in your book of life, so what’s next?

Even when a relationship is no longer good, a divorce or breakup can be extremely painful because it represents the loss, not just of the partnership, but also of the dreams and commitments you shared. Romantic relationships begin on a high road of excitement and hopes for the future.  Divorce can engulf you, and it touches every area of your life: family, friends, home, finances — life changes quickly. And it brings up many questions, like: What will I do without my partner? Will I find someone else? Will I  always be alone?

Today I want to talk with you about navigating the paths when a relationship ends and reorganizing yourself and your map towards new and maybe uncharted waters.

First and foremost, let yourself mourn. Divorce stirs up many feelings, at times old unresolved wounds of the past, which pre-date this marriage, can be opened. Childhood disappointment or trauma can resurface. Give yourself the time and space to grieve all the feelings as they come up. All feelings are normal.  Grieving is not a linear process; it is circular. You will feel angry and sad and then angry again, sometimes all in one day! Even if the relationship was unhealthy, it is still a loss.

Talk out your feelings

‍With a friend or professional but express them. Out loud. So that these feelings can be genuinely let go. Getting stuck in negative feelings, such as anger and resentment robs you of valuable energy that you need. Face to face contact can help with motivation and re-creation of your sense of Self.

Spend some time in solitude

‍It may sound opposite to the above, but solitude can be a time of reflection, renewal and re-creation. Solitude done purposefully is helpful. Solitude done as isolation is hurtful.

Cut yourself some slack

‍Know that you will not be as productive or focused as you may be used to. You are doing the important and intense work of grieving. That is tiring.

Self care is crucial during this time. The basics are included here: sleep, nutrition, physical activity and social interaction.  Pay attention to what your body needs. Use any and all tools that have soothed you in the past. And use them daily by scheduling in time for yourself. Creating a new routine can help with stability and a return to normalcy.

Remind yourself that you have a future

Although you are experiencing many losses, remind yourself that this too is temporary. That you can create new dreams, new goals. When you are ready, seek new friendships, especially if part of the losses has been in your social group, and try new activities. Doing fun and playful things can help you stay in the present!

Understand the lessons learned‍

It can be difficult to see it when you’re going through a painful breakup, but in times of emotional crisis, there are opportunities to grow and learn. This can be the time for remapping your path with the wisdom and experience learned. We have to look for the lessons as often the pain clouds our vision. This is the part of the process where you will have to be honest with yourself and ask the hard questions, objectively examining your behavior and your choices will help you to look at the past with new eyes and set a different course next time.

I encourage everyone who is in a time of loss or transition to seek help. I firmly believe that anyone can benefit from having someone walk with them during different stages of life. Divorce is survivable.