The idea of “starting over” is exciting for some and terrifying for others. Whatever we are considering beginning anew, it generally entails anxiety. Letting go of the old, even when the old was done and over with, is scary. The unknown can fill our heads with fear and doubt.
The idea of “starting over” is exciting for some and terrifying for others. Whatever we are considering beginning anew, it generally entails anxiety. Letting go of the old, even when the old was done and over with, is scary. The unknown can fill our heads with fear and doubt.
In dating again after the end of a relationship, these fears can be magnified, especially if we did not decide to end the relationship. The ending of a relationship implies disappointment, sadness, possibly anger and guilt, so the idea of “starting over” has many volatile emotions attached to it.
I encourage both friends and patients to begin anew with themselves first! Asking yourself the tough questions of who you are now? What was your role in the end of your relationship? And what do you want different in a partner? Spending some time in this area of self-exploration at the forefront can save you from repeating painful mistakes in the future. This is the time to identify and clarify what you want different from your next partner. A solid list of at least 10 character and personality traits you would like is a useful tool. It does not become etched in stone, but rather a specific guideline of your redefined priorities. Then this list is prioritized, with the qualities most wanted or needed as the top 5.
Once you have met someone new and have incorporated lessons learned from your previous relationship, it is time for new lessons with your new partner. This is the point where constructive conversations are crucial to creating a new and different relationship that involves the improved you together with your “new” or clarified values.
A loving negotiation can be described as open and honest conversations around your most important qualities and how they can fit into your daily life, and how you would like them to fit in your new relationship. For example, if honesty is important to you, transparency becomes one practical way to discuss expectations. If financial responsibility is important, discuss career aspirations, dreams, and money management skills. If sharing your feelings is important, discuss how and when you would like to do that, and consider what your expectations are from your partner in this process.
Taking each one of your important values and openly discussing and creating practical agreements can be useful in anticipating the possible landmines! These agreements need to be flexible and open to continued evolution as your relationship develops and grows.
