Even more than infidelity, frustration can be a big relationship killer. Frustration with what we think a relationship should look and be like. Unrealistic expectations can drown out the beauty of the present moment. Our society has various myths associated with relationships that may be well intentioned yet tend to cause the opposite effect: Create relationships that are fragile and unsustainable.

Let’s look at some of the more common myths:

Good relationships go smoothly all the time. The implication is that disagreement is bad, making relationships tense and unmanageable. All good things in life require some time, effort and commitment. You are attempting to blend 2 different personalities, families and life experiences. It is inevitable that work is needed to smooth out the rough edges. Couples who are in long term happy marriages report the need for regular maintenance as well! Intentionally working on the relationship throughout all the various life stages is key.

Conflict means it’s a “bad” relationship. Conflict simply means a difference of opinions. It is more important to focus on HOW to argue than on whether there are differences. Fair fighting is healthy and even passionate. Fair fighting includes respectful tone, language, sharing of ideas and taking turns.

Never go to bed angry. This is another version of conflict = bad. It would be nice to be able to resolve all our concerns quickly and easily and in a timely manner. In reality it is not always possible. More important would be to agree to a set time and space to return to the difference of opinion. A “time out” idea that allows for the building or rebuilding of trust. This means that you and your partner agree to table an issue and agree to when AND how to return to it.

My partner should be my BFF. This can happen. A connection with someone that you feel is deep and mutual. However, it is not necessary in order to have a loving, stable, and long-lasting romantic relationship. Your partner can be part of a community that gives your life satisfaction and enjoyment.

Find your “soulmate,” your one true love. This is a part of the Cinderella story that I have spoken about before. The idea that we have ‘One’ person out there that is destined to be for us sets up unrealistic expectations of “perfection” that can often doom a relationship at the start. There may be many people that you can and will love throughout your lifetime, that you can be compatible with. As human beings, we are social creatures by nature so death and divorce do not mean that we will be alone after just one shot at love.

A baby will unite us. While having a baby can be a joyful experience, it does not guarantee longevity in your relationship. Research has shown that marital satisfaction decreases during the first 3-4 months after the birth of a child. The adjustment and learning curve impact a lot! This can level out over time, however, if there were issues before the baby, those issues will remain and can intensify.

Knowing what you want and what is important to you can clarify what type of person can fit you best. Look for someone who believes in you and is willing to do the work to create a life together.

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