We are usually quick to look for “Red Flags'' in others. We call out those things that they do or say that spark concerns about disrespect, disinterest or worse, potential danger. There are basic, important ones to pay attention to such as overt jealousy or possessiveness, no job or stable financial health, criminal background or addiction. And then there are the more subtle ones such as constant negativity, isolation from their own family and friends, power imbalances and difficulty with compromise.

Though it's important to keep an eye out for these signs, we must look at ourselves first and evaluate our “Red Flags.” What are the things that you do and say in relationships that can potentially be pushing away compatible people and attracting toxic or incompatible folks?

Discovering and staying mindful of our Red Flags requires a willingness to ask ourselves the hard questions. This is not an easy task for many of us…the looking in the mirror. Yet without creating the time and the space to do this, we continue to attract the wrong people. 

Here are some tips to help you identify your Red Flags and find the right partner:

Understand that “love” and “falling in love” are two different things. “Falling in Love” is the biological process that happens when there is a chemical connection. We meet someone, we connect biochemically and Boom! The release of the various Love hormones (oxytocin, dopamine & endorphins) is meant to help us find a mate. They are powerful and mind clouding. Recognize that they are only part of the process. The rest of the process is the longer, more challenging path: the one of getting to know someone.

Evaluate lessons learned from past relationships. The past can be helpful in learning about ourselves and what works and does not work. Create the time and space to reflect on, and write down, what you want vs. need in a relationship. What did you bring to the last relationship that was valued? That was abused? That was ignored? Did you need more conversations or affection or time together? Knowing what your passions are can help you stay “in your lane” as you meet new people.

Focus on being intentional rather than searching for a mate. A searcher tends to be on a mission. In some cases, in a mission to find the “perfect partner.” Being intentional with our path means looking at ourselves first, becoming a better, not perfect, partner. Then entering the re-engagement part of meeting someone new. Focus on what you do have and on what you do bring into a relationship. An abundance mindset helps you create the time to meet and get to know someone. A scarcity mindset focuses you on the result instead of the journey…things like the biological clock for childbearing or the preset plan you have for your life. 

Trust your gut! Our bodies hold our emotions, both the positive and negative ones. Emotions are sources of information and when used as such can help guide us. If someone brings out the worst in you, recognizing that can help you choose to let go. If someone doesn’t “feel right,” they usually are not! They may fit for someone else, but not for you. Listening to your body can help you manage the flood of Love chemicals. Taking a regular “body check-in” by sitting quietly for a few minutes as you think of your new person. Listen to what happens…are you tense, doubtful or are you light and free?

Which Red Flags are you ignoring in your life? If you are still not sure, take a survey among your trusted circle. Ask them what they see in you. Ask them where your sensitivities are. Ask them to describe your strengths and weaknesses. Remember that in a survey you are asking for information, so be open and willing to receive this. Write these down. Sit with them. And create a plan to manage them. Sometimes an outside source can help you clarify and implement your plan. Be willing to see the Red, slow down and stop if you need to.